It's easy, when we set goals (a useful activity), to use those same goals as a way to be hard on ourselves (not a useful activity). But please don't let goal-setting become a method of developing self-hate -- if you're not able to "meet" the goals you have set for yourself. Please.
Below are some links to information on this key topic. The common theme is that self-compassion is the antidote (solution) to the problem of self-hate, which is so common in western culture.
Self-hatred almost always starts in childhood. Children believe what they hear from others. If a parent tells a child that she is "good for nothing" or "You can’t do anything right," then that becomes the truth in the child’s mind.
It takes a very mature and insightful child to say to herself, “Something is wrong with Mom/Dad for telling me this. An adult shouldn’t say such mean things to me. I’m just a child.” Instead of saying, “Something is wrong with Mom/Dad,” the child usually thinks, “Something is wrong with me.” This is the beginning of the self-hate cycle.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-turn-self-hatred-into-self-compassion-1112135
Many of us resort to self-hating (which is sometimes called self-loathing) as a way to find motivation in our desire to improve. Whether it’s wanting to lose weight, get a promotion, or improve our English skills, we seem to think that we can "hate" ourselves into doing
it.
One of the main reasons people choose to be hard on themselves is because they fear that they won’t motivate themselves enough if they don’t. But that fear, and the "tough-love" that follows, can be unhealthy. Trying to get motivated with self-hate can cause needless anxiety and worrying, and can even sabotage your actions.
While you may fear that you’ll be “too soft” on yourself without your constant criticisms and doubts, there is an ever-increasing body of research that supports the motivational power of self-compassion.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kayla-matthews/how-to-tell-if-youre-self-loathing-and-what-to-do-about-it_b_6042452.html
People who are self-compassionate set higher goals for themselves, aren’t afraid to set goals when they fail, are motivated by the desire to learn and grow, and are able to stick to goal specific behaviors like exercising or practicing their English!
Great post Doug!
ReplyDeleteI think I started to manage controlling my self-hate in Istanbul. By reminding myself what I'm capable of.
Self-hate was a serious problem to me. Getting so many suicidal thoughts is never fun. I had to create my own motivations and think about my future and how will it be in Canada.
I think it takes some self-courage to get yourself to stop self-hating.